"Just You and Me, Babe"

For Hayden:

"Firemen are going to get killed. When they join the department they face that fact. When a man becomes a fireman his greatest act of bravery has been accomplished. What he does after that is all in the line of work. They were not thinking of getting killed when they went where death lurked. They went there to put the fire out, and got killed. Firefighters do not regard themselves as heroes because they do what the business requires." - Chief Edward F. Croker

"There is no such thing as bravery. Only different degrees of fear." -John Wainwright

"You are one of the strongest people I know..." Nine words I never expected to hear consecutively in a sentence--much less directed at me for the past two weeks by some of my closest friends and family. I googled the word "strong" under the Webster dictionary to see if this definition unbeknownst to me meant "scared weakling who drags herself out of bed every morning to the coffee pot to make it through another day." I think Webster may have left this out, because this is what I found:

Strong: Having or marked by physical power, resourceful, striking, well established, having moral or intellectual power, ardent, and zealous.

I will back up a bit to explain...I recently decided to take a hiatus from my relationship with my boyfriend, Cameron, who I've been with for over a year. Not because of anything either of us did wrong. He is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet and has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  He's my best friend, my confidant; the one who has reached down into the hellish depths of my depression and pulled me out on numerous occasions. The one who is quick to give me a hug and cry with me when I am angry and frustrated by my own limits. (Don't tell him I said that...crying is an unforgiveable flaw in the eyes of the male species) In him, I see so much of myself, like the need to please everyone around him and give until he doesn't have anything left. This has left us both physically and emotionally exhausted and in need of regrouping. We are battle weary, broken, and un-trusting.

For the past two weeks, I've heard over and again how strong and brave I am for wanting to be single over being in a relationship and scared of committment. For choosing to be financially, emotionally, and physically strong for Hayden and our uncertain future. The truth is, I don't see it as a choice. We go to work every day to take care of our business. It's not always pleasent or appreciated, but it is a fact of life. There are times when I want to be quick to pull the "I'm a single Mom" excuse card. To set limits on myself because I am a single parent. To not take responsiblity for Hayden misbehaving at school because I can't be both Mom and Dad. The truth is, we can handle anything for them. The only one holding us back is us. In ten weeks, he'll be leaving to spend the summer with his dad. It is the longest we have ever been away from eachother. This is a scary leap of faith for me, but I know how good his father is for his heart. I see more of the little man he is becoming being coaxed out each time comes back from his visits. I can be soft and nurturing and nag him to death about his room because I am "Mommy." He asked me this morning why it is that moms are always so cozy. I answered that it is a requirement when you become a mom. That you must always be cozy. But I cannot help him become or show him how to be a man. He has had many good male friends and family members be influential in his life, but he seems to have a deep rooted sense that his father is the "the man." I pray every day that Brandon becomes that man for him so that Hayden will not repeat any of our mistakes.

I am not a firefighter. I don't wear an oxygen mask to work or put on 50 pounds of fireproof gear to run into burning buildings and risk my life for strangers. I carry 50 pounds of backpack, lunch boxes, briefcase, and the occasional stinky garbage bag (for which I wish I had an oxygen mask), but I am not a hero in anyone else's eyes besides my son's. We're single parents. We do what is required and we are there to shoulder the flames of life that will consume our children if we are not there to protect them and be involved. It is my deepest hope that our family will be complete someday. That I won't have to watch him go off to college alone and face my empty nest by myself. But more than anything, I want us to be as good for that man as he is for us. To be whole and healthy and unburdensome. We are building our tracks in good faith that someday the train will come. And if it doesn't..."It's just you and me, babe."