"No Boys Allowed!"

I created this blog for all of the "Ex-Princesses" like myself who are struggling to find their place in the world after the initial shock of finding out that we are not princesses and happily ever afters do not exist. By ex-princess, I am referring to those of us who wore the poofy white dress, let others ooh and aah over our 8kt diamond rings (mine was not that big, that was just a number that came to mind..), and planned how we would train our husbands to be the perfect mates so that our lives would never have to be regular or plain again! "Ex-Princess" sounds so much nicer than "25 and divorced." It has been 3 months and I have been through various stages of grief, anger, self-loathing, with few moments of clarity and peace. When you are in a failing marriage, all you can think about is how happy you would be if you were out of it. The truth is, it doesn't stop. Despite the monotony and hum-drum life you had previously with your partner, they filled a void that is virtually impossible to fill with junk food, chick flicks, cigarettes, or alcohol. (Trust me, I've tried.) Junk food gives you a sugar buzz and makes you feel fat. Chick flicks make you feel more inadequate at having a successful relationship, cigarettes give you bad breath and yellow teeth, and alcohol is a depressant. Do the math.

I have read Eat, Pray, Love three times and as inspiring as it was the first time, I can't afford to travel around the world to find myself. So I have decided to go on my own journey of self-discovery. I call this phase of my life: "Ex-Princess on a Budget." A series of events since my divorce, which I will not bore you all with, has led me to Charleston, South Carolina jobless, husbandless, and void of any remaining self respect. I was sitting out on my front porch the other night, breathing in the muggy, bug-ridden air (god, how I miss Arizona..) when I had a thought. It was one of those nights I was contemplating re-entering the dating world, and decided then and there that if I were a man, I would not want to date me in my condition. Let me re-phrase that....if I were a man, I would RUN from me!! I have literally not been single in 13 years. Over the years, I have twisted myself and my desires to perfectly align with those of every relationship I was in so that no man would ever recover from me again. Ouch. Only recently am I discovering how devastating this was to my own heart and to those men. Another thought occured to me that had I been honest about myself and own desires, I might have met the One already. I have mixed feelings about this "One," but I will save that for another day and another blog. With the right blend of poetry, sex, and compromise of self, I have managed to lose myself completely in an effort to obtain my happily ever after.

Having said all that, one of the most important relationships of my life resulted in my four year old son, Hayden. So a certain amount of sacrifice is required in order to not add "Bad Parent" to my list of failures. This is one of the hardest things in the world to grasp when you are a new single parent. That you cannot just quit, hide behind your covers watching Keeping up with the Kardashians re-runs, and eat ice cream out of the gallon until a job falls into your lap. There is no time for grieving..no time for self-pity.

I will be honest, I have friends who seemingly have perfect lives and their blogs revolve around the fantastic news that is going on in their families, and their fantastic babies, and their perfect husbands who give them foot rubs at night. I write this without bitterness and I do not envy them their happiness...they are happy because they found the life that gives them joy. But I can only write what I know. There is a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert that says:

 "Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
So this blog is about my attempt at happiness. My journey to self-discovery, forgiveness of past mistakes, and surviving my Quarter-life Crisis intact.